i'm fine... soon

as some may have known, i recently hurt my hand in a fist fight with my kitchen wall. Yes, adrenalin made me assume the wall is filled with beanies, thus my latest research findings; adrenalin is actually brain juice pumped to every part of the body, sans the brain itself.

Anyway the fierce battle left me with a distorted hand and a pair of hysterical parents. It was a surreal moment as I reasoned within myself seconds after impact. I thought, did my knuckle shift back? No, not possible. Unless, i dislocated it in the weirdest fashion possible. And i really believed so. Coz given the pain at that moment, nay, how serious could it be?

I was so wrong.

We went to the A&E at SGH. Initial examination had everyone believing it was a bruise swelling that gave me a pain scaled 5 out of 10. Did a routine X-ray and nurse gave me a queue number to wait along with the rest of the patients. Nothing strange, until i got a phone call shortly after i got my queue number.

"Mr Li, can you please come to room 12 now?"

Eh? Why the special treatment. Something's not right.. And as i was being led to view the x-ray, doc lamented to me...

" Nian qing ren, why so chong dong?"

And lo and behold. My x ray result.

( vulgar text here ).

My hand's screwed. Big time.

I couldn't believe beneath the swell was the broken ends of my bone. It's a pretty clean break i must say. So effectively, I have increased my body's bone count by 1. It's so uncool.

I was whisked off immediately to see the hand specialist. A big friendly man. Nice fella who did an analyst of the x-ray and like some CSI show, explained how it became so ugly. Basically it's a typical boxer's fracture. When we drive our fist forward, the initial contact point is the middle knuckle. As we impact, the wrist naturally bends the fist to transfer the momentum downwards from the middle, to the ring knuckle and finally, the pinkie's knuckle. At this junction, there isn't any more knuckles that I can transfer the flow of energy, so the last knuckle absorbs all the force. And it's a lot of force by non boxer's standard. Therefore the inevitable fracture.

Like what my doc Tay said, " Wah, you pumped the wall so hard?"

Strong ah, bob?

Then i found out why we needed such a big man for a hand specialist. As he prepared the cast for my broken hand, he told me it's gonna hurt a bit.

And.. i believed him. Coz, he's the doc.

right.

IT FREAKING HURT A BIG BIT.

Wah.. i could feel him pressing the broken ends down to meet again. His huge hands provided ample strength to forcibly hold my hand together again, and he packed in a lot of pain too.

So that was it. The cast was set till last week when the doc changed it to a plastic splint for support and increased level of convenience. Currently i am waiting for my ops next monday, and hopefully no complications watsoever, I can resume my life with my new metalic implant.

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It has been an amazing life's lesson that I have never prepared for.

I learnt a lot. I saw a lot of emotion. I saw how vulnerable is the human brain. I saw mankind's weaknesses. I saw those who cared, those who tried to care and those who never did. Some encourage, some simply disgust me big time. Then i realised how much my heart has been wrought by my circumstances. Yes I have changed as a result of this incident. But i guess it's just a routine I needed to go through to be me.

Overnight I became a burden. I couldnt do the dishes, sweep and mop the floor. I relied a lot on people around me. I came closer to understanding how it feels like to be a handicapped. It is just so tough. Many may try to empathize, but who really knows the emotional strain we go through? Who really understand our thoughts? It is more than just a disablement of a portion of the body, but a lost of some of our abilities that we have taken for granted all our lives.

So wounded that i felt wasted. I fought so much emotional battles just to smile again. Don't assume I am weak. Try standing in my shoes as you remove the splint to wash your hand; the deformed hand with a cavity in your palm and an unnatural bump on the reverse side beckons out to you. As you scrub it, a sickening feeling runs through your body as your last finger sways precariously because it is no longer supported by the palm structure. Every wiped is coupled with an unnerving sensation that runs from the finger to the elbow. As you turn your hand around to wash the underside, half of your palm flops along with gravity. Try holding the soap and you realize you lost the use of ur last 2 fingers.

Then there is this host of people I need to coax and reassure. I lied so that they wont feel so sad. I encouraged them by day and cried by night. I have put up such a fort that no one knew the wounded me inside. Not even myself.

I have lost a lot, But i am not giving up. I have cried all i needed, so now it's time to move on. At least my hand's a lot more mobile now ever since the swelling gone down. At least i can still type.

Thank you to all who stood by me and encouraged me in your big and little ways. Much appreciated. Special thanks to my granny, my fav cousin, girlfriend, church friends, Sim friends who bothered to ask ard for my condition, and of coz my parents, for standing by me despite being such a disappointment.

I will be better. I promise. Because you all have given me a reason to.

loved.
bob